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CARPE NOCTEM

Gunn: "Hey, Fred."
Fred: "Sorry! Did - did I startle you guys?"
Wes: "No."
Cordy: "Only in the sense of shocking and jolting us. - What"s up?"
Fred: "Nothing. Just taking a little stroll and... Why would girls wanna look like that? I spent years in a cave starving. What"s their excuse?"


Cordy: "Fashion."
Fred: "So - everybody"s just reading and hanging out?"
Cordy: "Angel"s upstairs."
Fred: "Oh. - He"s probably reading, too. He"s so deep, you know? Thoughtful. I"m guessing "The Brothers Karmazov", Joyce, a little Goethe to round things out."
Angel: "Am I the only one who read this?"
Wes: "Read what?"
Angel: "Charlton Heston. Double feature! At the Nu-art. "Soylent Green" and - "The Omega Man."
Gunn: "Wow."
Angel: "It"s two for one. Did I mention, Charlton Heston? Who"s in?"
Fred: "That sounds great!"
Angel: "Fred. Wesley?"
Wes: "Well, I"m in the middle of translating Fassad"s guide from the original Sumerian."
Angel: "Gunn. Cordy?"
"Looks like it"s just you and me, Fred. - Well, the worm certainly has turned."
Fred: "Y-y-yeah. The worm"s turning and... Am I the worm?"
Angel: "No. You may not know this, Fred, but certain friends and co-workers have been known to accuse *me* of being the quiet, stay at home, sulky one. Some people - just don"t know how to have fun anymore."
1.Girl: "Can we take a breather, stud?"

Woody: "If you need one."
2.Girl: "Hey, tiger. Me too. Just for a minute?"

1.Girl: "Pace yourself, sweetheart."
Woody: "Mmm, it"s good to be young. So. Ready for round four?"
2.Girl: "You okay, baby?"
Woody: "Oh - it"s been fun. - Alli permutat anima kimota. Alli permutat anima kimota. Alli permutat anima kimota."

Intro.

Fred: "And he opened every door for me and he paid for the tickets. And even bought a giant popcorn. And every few minutes he"d go like this. Because he wanted me to know it was okay for me to have some. And he"s so lonely because he"s the last man on earth."


Wes: "Angel?"
Fred: "No! Charlton Heston. The Omega Man? Omega being the last letter of the Greek alphabet so it"s a metaphor.
And he walks on the street side and not the building side. It"s old-fashioned, but kind of chivalrous, you know?"
Wes: "We"re back to talking about Angel."
Fred: "Right. And even though he didn"t talk a lot, it was still okay. It was comfortable. It wasn"t that awkward kind of quiet. You know that awkward kind of quiet?"

Wesley: "No. That"s never happened to me."

Cordy: "You need to talk to Fred."
Angel: "What about?"
Cordy: "About the big date you guys had last night."
Angel: "Woah! Date? - It was just a movie."

Cordy: "That"s what you need to tell *her*. She"s in there going on and on about what a super time you guys had."
Angel: "She"s just enthusiastic. Don"t read too much into it."
Cordy: "She"s got the big puppy love. I mean, who wouldn"t? You"re handsome, and brave, and heroic, emotionally stunted, erratic, prone to turning evil and, lets face it, a eunuch."


Angel: "Hey, how can you... I"m not a eunuch."
Cordy: "Angel, it"s just a figure of speech."
Angel: "Find a better one."
Cordy: "I just mean that sex is a no-no for you. Because of this whole "if you know perfect bliss you"ll turn evil" curse. Really no cure for that, huh?
Listen, all I"m trying to tell you is, this thing with Fred, it"s going to go bad unless it"s nipped in the bud."

Angel: "Okay. Maybe just a short talk. - So how soon can you do that?"

Cordy: "Nice try. It"s gotta come from you."

"Angel has something to say."
Angel: "Hey, did anybody else see this? Police found the body of a twenty-six year old Woodrow Raglan in a two-bedroom suite at the Elondria Hotel. Unnamed witness said it was as if his insides had just..."

Wes: "...collapsed. You know, there was something else like that - last week."
Cordy: "Uhm, may I just point out that no one is actually hiring us to look into this and that we should be doing more important things?"

Wes: "Here. Ten days ago, a body - found in another hotel room - under similar conditions."

Angel: "What do you think? Spell, curse - serial demon?"
Wes: "Though to say. Worth a closer look."

Angel: "I"ll say. Cordelia, open up a case file. We have to get on this right away."

Cordy: "Angel!"
Gavin: "Good morning, Lilah."
Lilah: "Good morning. Well, here we are at *my* office. Bye."
Gavin: "You"re a though one. I know I"m gonna have to earn your respect. But give me a little time. You"ll see I"m a creative guy."

Lilah: "Oh, like your "lets torment Angel with building code violations" idea? Uh, so machiavellian! We"ll just drown him in red tape."

Gavin: "There are other level"s to this, Lilah. Avenues of interest I have... One of them being: does Angel even exist?"

Lilah: "Are you getting metaphysical on me?"
Gavin: "No. The guy has no social security number, no tax payer ID, no last name as far as I know. How can he go down to the building department, or anywhere else in officialdom for that matter? - He"s the rat and we"re the maze. Don"t you wanna see what he"ll do next?"
Lilah: "He might just rip out your throat."

Gavin: "Do you think he"d do something that cliched? Gosh. Maybe you don"t know him as well as you think."
Lilah: "Get Carter Williams on the phone. The graphic artist? Oh, look under "F" for forger."

Wes: "There was a third victim five weeks ago. They were all young, healthy males. They all died in expensive hotel suites."

Fred: "Can you imagine shelling out all that money for a snazzy suite and then kerflop, you"re a big bag of mush bones? I guess it wouldn"t be good wherever that happened. Oh - please continue."

Wes: "Gunn, I was thinking you could interview the staff of these hotels where the guys died. I"m meeting a contact of mine from the coroner"s office in thirty minutes. See what I can learn about these bodies."

Cordy: "They were all members of the same health club. The bodies - when they weren"t - you know - dead ones."
Angel: "Cordy and I"ll go check out the gym."

Wes: "My thought exactly."
Cordy: "I"ll drive."
Gunn: "What are we waiting for?"
Wes: "Everyone know what they"re doing? Good."
Fred: "I"ll just stay here. Okay. I"ll do that."

Cordy: "You can"t just keep ignoring Fred! You have to speak to her. You know, there is your business life and then there is your social life, and everybody knows that you keep those two things sepa..."
Cordy: "I"m gonna go see if *he* knows anything."
Angel: "Hi. I was just wondering, could ask you a few questions? My name is Angel."

Phil: "Angel. Good news, dude, we are running our best offer ever! Okay, I can get you a six months trial membership right now for three hundred and fifty dollars."

Angel: "No. I"m looking into some guys that were members here."
Phil: "Oh, yeah, Woody, right. I heard he like - died."
Angel: "He like did. Along with the others. All members. So, I need to ask you, Phil, does the club condone steroid use?"

Phil: "No. No, no, no a-a-absolutely not."
Angel: "Then we should probably keep this between ourselves, don"t you think? I"ll just take a look at their records and I"ll get out of your hair."
Phil: "Yeah, yeah, o-okay."
Cordy: "So, did you ever see anyone come in who looked suspicious - or really pale - or maybe green and scaly?"

Phil: "You know, I-I-I don"t see anything that connects the three of them - except they were all in the evening Pilates class together."
Angel: "Pilates, is that like Tae-bo?"
Phil: "Yeah - if you"re living in 1999."
Instructor: "Relax your neck and shoulders, using your lower abdominals, bring the spine down to the floor. Take a deep breath in and as your arms come up to the ceiling..."
Cordy: "There could be follow-up questions. I"ll need some home phone numbers. Why don"t we start with you, Benny?"

Angel: "There is a retirement home in the street behind us. I"m gonna check something out."
Cordy: "Bye."
Angel: "Maybe when you"re done with your *work* - here - you can pick me up. - Okay."

Cordy: "He"s just someone I work with. Anyway..."
Angel: "Mr. Roscoe. My name is Angel."
Marcus: "Angel Investigations."
Angel: "Would it be alright if I came inside and asked you a few questions?"
Marcus: "Well, it"s ah, pretty late."
Angel: "Shouldn"t take long."
Marcus: "Come on if you"re coming."
Angel: "Nice to have view. I bet you, ah, spend a lot of time enjoying it."

Marcus: "Not that, uh, much... Uh. - Well, I don"t see any harm in looking. That"s about all I can do anymore. Uh - what is it you want?"

Angel: "Your help. I wonder if you"ve seen either of these men across the way in the gym."
Marcus: "No. I don"t think so. I"m more of a girl watcher. You know what I"m saying? - Jeez - they all died? How?"
Angel: "That"s what we"re trying to find out."

Marcus: "You work with the police?"
Angel: "I"m a private investigator. I work with a team."
Marcus: "Hmm, sounds nice. I was a salesman. Worked alone for fifty years."
Angel: "Hmm. Nothian herb jar. That"s a - pretty exotic item. Did you, ah, deal in the occult?"
Marcus: "Occult shmuccult. I traveled a lot. Picked up some trinkets."

Angel: "Do a lot of bungee jumping, Mr. Roscoe?"

Marcus: "More than you might think, Mr. Angel."
Angel: "Just Angel."
Marcus: "I"ll remember that. Alli permutat anmia kimota. Alli permutat anmia kimota."

Angel: "You might wanna think twice about trying to cast a sp..."

Marcus: "You *are* me."
Angel: "That"s gonna smart later."
Cordy: "Ah, hello!"
Angel: "He-llo."
Cordy: "So, what did you find at the old folks home?"
Angel: "Uh - nothing. Didn"t pan out. How about you?"
Cordy: "I got a two month free trial membership, and I made some new friends... - Alright. I got nothing."
Angel: "Pretty clear we"re barking up the wrong tree here, huh?"
Cordy: "Yeah. - Well - get in. I"ll take you back to the hotel."
Angel: "Alright! You and me - going back to the hotel. Nice, huh?"
Cordy: "Are you alright?"
Angel: "Honey, I"ve never been better."

"Nice! You supposed to be back there? - Ding, ding! Paying customers. Hellooo. Slow night, huh?"
Cordy: "Yeah. But maybe Wes or Gunn found out something."
Angel: "Wes or Gunn."
"They"re a great part of our investigating team. Hmm. Working here with us in this old abandoned hotel."
"Cordelia... have I ever told you you are a *very* *beautiful* woman?"
Cordy: "Ha, ha. Very funny. I know you never said anything that tacky or overt to Fred. But you"re still gonna have that talk - whether you want to or not."

Angel: "Talk with Fred."
Cordy: "Yes! Just - keep it simple. One: you"re not like other men. Two: there is no room in the workplace for romance."

Angel: "Romance with Fred. - So I"m a... Obviously."
Cordy: "Get some rest. See you tomorrow."
Cordy"s voice: "You"ve reached the offices of Angel Investigations. Please leave a message after the tone."
Marcus voice: "Cordelia? Are you there? Pick up!"
Angel: "Hey, Angel. How"s my head? Hope you put some ice on it. Sweet deal you"ve got going on here, pal. Love the hotel. And Cordelia - whoh! That"s how I spell w-o-m-a-n!"

Marcus: "Where is she?"
Angel: "You don"t have to worry about anything except eating some nice soft foods and staying out of Ryan"s way."

Marcus: "Ryan?"
Ryan: "You wouldn"t think that we just talked about this! There go your phone privileges for the rest of the month."
"You know you"re not supposed to be out of your room at this hour."
Marcus: "I was stretching my legs."
Ryan: "Who am I?"
Marcus: "You"re Ryan."
Ryan: "At least you"re not having an episode. My advice, Marcus: if you start thinking you"re a twenty-four year old stud, or a famous skateboarder, keep it to yourself. Unless you *wanna* wake up in iso and restraints again. Copy?"


Marcus: "I know who *I* am."
Ryan: "Then let"s get *you* back to beddy-bye."
Cordy: "Angel!"
"What happened?"
Angel: "Uh... hey, doll. I ah, was working on the case. I must have dozed off."
Cordy: "You were too tired to go up to your room?"
Angel: "My room, right - which I have upstairs. Well, you know me. Always giving a hundred percent. Now what did I do with the darn case file..."
Cordy: "You gave it to me yesterday."
Angel: "Ha. Must be getting old."
Cordy: "Not until you have that talk with Fred."
Wes: "You know there is something about brewed tea you simply can not replicate with a bag. What happened here?"
Angel: "I was just looking for something. Uh, I"ll clean it up!"
Cordy: "Don"t avoid the talk."
Angel: "I know. I know."
"Hey. How"re you doing?"
Wes: "Alright. Well... - you?"
Angel: "So, we gotta talk. The thing is, I"ve got nothing against you personally. It"s just..."

"O-ho, this is gonna be harder than I-I thought. I just don"t know how to spit this out."
Wes: "Angel. Whatever it is, you know I"m here for you."
Angel: "Yeah. That may be the problem. I mean, whatever we - had... - whatever we - did. I just think that we should keep that - behind us. - Start from scratch. You know, two men working side by side. But, you know, none of that - funny stuff."

"Shake on that?"
Wes: "I guess."
Angel: "Hey, all right. Gimme a hug."
Cordy: "Wesley, food"s here."
Wes: "Okay."
Angel: "Wesley?"
Wes: "Yes?"
Angel: "Do you know where Fred is?"
Wes: "Uhm - up in her room I"d expect."
Angel: "*Her* room. Right. - Somebody say something about food? I could eat a horse."

Gunn: "Breakfast burritos all around."
Angel: "Thanks, bro. Keep the change on that."
Gunn: "O-kay."
Wes: "Get anything from the hotel staff?"

Gunn: "Yeah, I did. All these guys ran up huge service bills, mostly alcohol. Well, at least they went out partying. Oh, and I got copies of their telephone bills, too."

Angel:"Hey, isn"t that illegal? I mean, don"t these guys deserve a little privacy?"

"What?"
Cordy: "Why are you eating?"
Angel: "I"m hungry."
Wes: "Looks like they called the same number."
Gunn: "Yeah, saw that, too. Checked it out. First class escorts, La Brea and sixth."

Cordy: "Escorts. Oh, you mean hookers?"

Gunn: "I should probably interview them right away - while the trail is hot."
Wes: "Ah, I"ll take this one. You interviewed the hotel staff. It"s only fair if we divvy it up."

Gunn: "Yeah, but I figured it out."
Cordy: "I"ll interview the hookers. Are there any men who aren"t just dogs?"

Angel: "Not very many, I"m afraid. You know a woman is more than a piece of meat. I"m sorry. That"s just how I feel."
Wes: "Ah, my contact at the coroner. I can see one of the bodies. I should go."
Cordy: "Gunn can go with you."
Gunn: "That wasn"t the kind of body I had in mind to see. We"re going, we"re going."
Angel: "Hey, you know what? That"s a great idea. I"ll just stay here, hold the fort - keep an eye on the evidence."
Jackson: "Marcus, I got someone I want you to meet."
Marcus: "Oh, I can"t right now."
Jackson: "This is my baby granddaughter Katrina. Girl"s gonna *rule* the world! Isn"t she something?"
Marcus: "She"s beautiful."
Fred: "What you doing?"
Angel: "Well. Hey, sweetheart. Where you"ve been hiding?"
Fred: "You know, up in my room. Everybody keeps saying "Fred, you should get out more" so, well..."
Angel: "Fred - mmm."
"Have I ever told you you are a very *beautiful* woman?
Fred: "Uhm - no?"
Angel: "Do you like olives?"
"Tell you what, I have some work I have to finish up here. Why don"t you go on upstairs and put on something pretty and we"ll go out on the town."

Fred: "Really?"
Angel: "And that"s just for starters."
Fred: "Okay, I"ll just - I"ll go and - okay."
Angel: "Hoo!"
"And what can I *do* for *you*?"
Lilah: "Don"t go all nightstalker on me. I"m here to do you a favor. We both agree that business with Cordelia was just business, right?"

Angel: "Sure."
Lilah: "It"s all in there. Earthquake safe certification, statement of asbestos level compliance... All of it."
"I"m not playing you here. It"s not about you. It"s about Gavin. He thinks he"s so smart. - You"re welcome."
Angel: "I"m sorry. Thanks. That was a really - thoughtful favor. - How about a drink? Have I ever told you you"re a very *beautiful* woman?"
Marcus: "M-my heart..."
Angel: "Want another?"
Lilah: "I"m gonna have to call a taxi as it is."

Angel: "Oops!"
Lilah: "What do you want?"
Angel: "You. - Don"t tell me you never thought about it."
Lilah: "You son of a bitch!"
Angel: "Whoa! I"m sorry! It just - felt like the thing to do. Whoa! What are you born again all of a sudden?"
Lilah: "I don"t know what kind of sick game this is, Angel, but I hope you enjoyed it because you"re never getting this close to me again."

"What? This is new."
"Ow!"
"Ah. Hmm..."
"What the..."
Ryan: "You"re awake."
Marcus: "It"s beating."
Ryan: "That was your fourth heart attack, Marcus. I don"t know if you can survive another one. You got lucky this time. Try something like that again, you may not be."

Cordy: "If Julia Roberts ever makes a realistic movie about being an escort, I think it should be called pretty skanky woman."

Cordy: "Angel? - Fred!"
Cordy: "Fred. What"s wrong? What happened?"
Fred: "I should"ve knocked. I always forget to knock because, you know, I didn"t have a door for so long. He called me a sweetheart. But it"s just an expression, isn"t it? Like when a waitress calls you honey, it doesn"t mean your special or anything. It"s just a word, right? Sweetheart."


Cordy: "Is this about Angel? Oh. - He talked to you, didn"t he?"
"This is all my fault. I told him to do that."

Fred: "You told him to make out with that woman on the desk?"
Cordy: "What? No. - What woman?"
Girl: "My boyfriend is probably looking for me right now. He could catch us at any moment!"

"Sort of makes it more exciting doesn"t it?"

Angel: "Yeah. It does."
Boyfriend: "Hey!"
"What the hell do you think you"re doing?"
Girl: "He bit me!"
Boyfriend: "Freak!"
Angel: "Nice!"
"Come on! Bring it on. Is that it? Is that all you got?"
Boyfriend: "What are you on?"
Angel: "Well, you know, I"d say I"m high on life only - I ain"t alive - which means - I"m never gonna die. I"m gonna be young, handsome and *strong* forever! There is just one thing I gotta do first!"

Wes: "I do not believe it. On my desk?"
Gunn: "Well, it did used to be his. Maybe he was just kinda - reclaiming it."

Wes: "How? By marking it? - This isn"t like him."
Cordy: "What? This is totally like him. Doing the mystery dance with some cheap blonde?"

Fred: "Brunette. She was a cheap brunette."

Cordy: "You"re right. This isn"t like him."
Gunn: "So, who was she?"
Wes: "I don"t think it matters who *she* was. The question is, who is *he*?"
Cordy: "Uh-huh. We"re all thinking it. - He"s Angelus again."
Fred: "Who"s Angelus?"
Gunn: "The bad-ass vamp Angel turns into when he gets evil. But then why is there no body here? Wouldn"t he"ve just killed her?"


Wes: "No, that"s not what I meant. Why would Angel, or Angelus for that matter, need to read about vampires?"
Cordy: "He wouldn"t."
Gunn: "Wait. What are you getting at?"
Wes: "This case we"ve been working on. Each of the victims exhibited wild, uncharacteristic behavior just before they died. They weren"t themselves."
Gunn: "Oh! So you think Angel"s been infected by whatever got into those gym boys."

Wes: "Not "whatever" - whomever. Cordelia, when you and him were at the gym did anything unusual happen to Angel?"
Cordy: "No, not really. I was with him pretty much the whole time. - Except for when he went across the street to the..."
Jackson: "Hey. What the hell are you doing out of bed? You trying to bust loose again, ain"t you? Damn, Marcus - you don"t quit, do you? Do want to have another heart attack?"
Marcus: "Look - I can"t really explain this, but I *need* to get out of here. Just - don"t turn me in."
Jackson: "Not gonna have to. Your kid was signing in at reception when I came down."

Marcus: "My kid?"
Jackson: "M-hm."
Angel: "Hi, dad."
Marcus: "So, I guess you finally found a body that won"t burn out, huh, Marcus?"
Angel: "Looks like."
Marcus: "Only one way you can keep it though, right? You got to kill yourself!"


Angel: "Mmm! I can live with that!"
Marcus: "You sure? I don"t think you *really* know what you"re getting into."
Angel: "Oh, I know what I"m getting into. *You"re* the one that doesn"t seem to know what you had. As far as I can tell you were the world"s worst vampire. Vampires don"t *help* people, you *moron* - they kill "em! Here, let me show you."
Marcus: "You may have the attitude, and you may have the power - but there is one thing you don"t have, and never will: friends. Four of them, standing behind you with big, heavy things."

"Guys! It"s about time. It"s *him* - he"s the one who"s been casting that spell."
Cordy: "You"re Angel? With *that* cologne? I don"t think so."
Marcus: "Don"t stake him."
Cordy: "God, I love technology. Are you alright?"
Marcus: "I gotta pee."
Wes: "Did you happen to notice a small Algurian conjuring orb? Could have been glowing."
Marcus: "In his room, on a shrine."
Wes: "Then I was right. Algurian body-switching spell. Keep an eye on him."

Marcus: "Fred! He"s out! He"s out!"

Wes: "Read this."
Marcus: "Alli permutat anima kimota. Alli permutat anima kimota."
Angel: "It"s cool, Gunn. It"s me."
Cordy: "I got his conjuring stone."
Marcus: "You can"t take that!"
"You...! You don"t deserve that body!"
Angel: "Funny. I was gonna say the same thing to you. I tell you why you have a weak heart, Marcus. You never use it."

Marcus: "You"re pathetic! You"re all pa..."
Angel: "You should try and keep a lid on that rage, Marcus. It"s - not healthy."

Marcus: "Help..."
Ryan: "What"s going on?"
Angel: "Dad"s having a bad night."
"Hi."
Fred: "Hey. - How"s your head? S-sorry about all that..."
Angel: "Ah, I - gather I - had it coming."
Fred: "Mmm. - Yes."
Angel: "Fred, I"ve been meaning to talk to you about something."
Fred: "Okay."
Fred: "Is this about how you"re not like other men - what with that curse and all... and how you"re really fond of me, but that"s as far at it goes?"
Angel: "Uhm... - yeah."
Fred: "Cordelia explained it to me. She said you"d probably just screw it up."

Angel: "Oh, she did, did she? - And she"s probably right."
"What?"
Fred: "It"s like something out of Fitzgerald. - The man who can have everything but love. - Well, maybe in some ways you"re better off, because love is... - Well, in a way it"s everything. - But it"s also heartache and disappointment. - And those are good things to avoid."
Cordy: "Angel, Willow"s on the phone... She"s alive! Buffy"s alive!"
Fred: "Buffy?"

The end
 
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