THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS
GUY: Nothing human can move that fast. What are you?
CONNOR: Don"t know yet. But I know what you are and what to do with you. That"ll do for now.
ANGEL: You"re talking too much. Gives him time to-watch it! Don"t let him box you in.
That"s it, Connor. No, don"t go toe-to-toe. He"s too big and faster than he looks. Wait for an opening. Stay sharp. You can do it. That"s it.
CORDELIA: Of course he can do it. He"s his father"s son. Same dark good looks, same lost-boy sweetness...
And the broodiness-boy, he"s got that down stone-cold. You really don"t have to worry about him, Angel. But maybe there is something you could be worrying a little more about. Like, for instance, me. Remember me? The one stuck in misty magic land for like eternity. You"ve got to get me out of here, Angel. Please! Help me!
ANGEL: I know you"re there, watching me.
CORDELIA: Oh my God! Angel, you can hear me? I so love you. You don"t know what it"s been like-
FRED: We weren"t spying...
CORDELIA: Oh, for crap"s sake!
GUNN: Well, actually we were.
FRED: OK, we were. It"s just we"ve been a little concerned about you. Wondering where you"ve been skulking off to these last few nights-
ANGEL: I"m not skulking.
GUNN: You should go after him-talk to him-if that"s what you want.
FRED: What exactly do you want, Angel. I"m only asking because, well, you"ve been seeming kind of... distracted. Like maybe you"re not as ready as you think to move on without Connor-and Cordy.
GUNN: And, frankly, man, when you"re head"s someplace else, we are into some serious floundering. I mean, you act like a guy with a clear agenda, always on the move, but-we don"t know where we"re going.
GUNN: For instance.
FRED: Um, Angel, where are we going?
ANGEL: On a little retreat. The three of us.
FRED: Oh, like a spiritual journey?
GUNN: Whoa, you mean like that monastery you went to in Tibet?
GUNN: Now this is my kind of spiritual retreat.
ANGEL: I just thought we could all use a little getaway to decompress. I know I haven"t had a vacation in a while. Not counting my recent ocean cruise.
FRED: Yeah, but the reason we"re here is to see Lorne, right?
ANGEL: Absolutely. Maybe afterwards we can check out that Danny Gans guy we keep seeing billboards for.
FRED: You mean after Lorne reads you to help you get back on your path.
ANGEL: Yeah, whatever. Wow. This place sure has changed.
GUNN: Get out! You never told me you"ve been to Vegas before.
ANGEL: Yeah, a few times. Been a while, though. Used to be dunes over there.
GUNN: Oh, man, it has been a while. They tore down the Dunes ten years ago.
ANGEL: Not the casino, I mean actual dunes. Bugsy used to call them bug piles.
GUNN: Bugsy? Bugsy Siegal?
ANGEL: Yeah. Not one with words, I know, but the man-he had a mean backhand on the tennis court. So what do you guys wanna do first.
FRED: Um, well, the place Lorne is singing is called the Tropicana.
GUNN: The Tropicana? THE Tropicana? That can"t be right?
FRED: Why not?
ANGEL: Uh, the Tropicana is a pretty high-profile casino, not some low-key out-of-the-way dive. Looking the way Lorne does, he"d have to go some place a little bit more, you know, discreet.
FRED: How discreet, exactly?
LORNE: It"s not that easy being green. Having to spend each day the color of the leaves. When think it could be nice enough...
GUNN: No one seems to be bothered by the fact that he"s a demon.
FRED: They must think it"s all make-up, like the Blue Man Group. You don"t think the Blue Man Group...
ANGEL: Only two of them.
LORNE: ...Oh, but green"s the color of Spring. And green can be cool and friendly-like. Oh, and green can be big like an ocean or important like a mountain or tall like a tree. Oh, when green is all there is to green, it could make you wonder why but why wonder why wonder... I am green and it"ll do fine. It"s beautiful and I think it"s what I want to be. Mmm-hmm.
Thank you! Thank you so much. You know, I gotta tell you folks... I gotta tell you, you are by far the kickingest crowd that I"ve had the privilege of performing for here at the Tropicana. Yes! Yes, that"s right. That"s right. Give it up for your sweet selves. Whoo! All right. Now, you know what, just for you guys, I think it"s time we crank things up a notch, what do you say? Huh? Here you go, honey. Yeah. Maestro, give me some drums, s"il vous plait. Aw, that"s it, that"s it. Paco, gimme a little bass. Aw, merci, merci. Now all I need is a little help from my Lornettes. Hey! Strut it girls! Hey! Come on, baby!
LORNETTES: Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, go sister
FRED: Whoo! He"s very good.
LORNE: He met Marmelade down in old New Orleans
Strutting her stuff on the street
She said "Hello, hey, Joe, wanna give it a go?"
Giuchie giuchie ya ya dada
Say giuchie giuchie ya ya here
Mm-hmm mocha chocolata ya ya
Let me hear you say-
WELL DRESSED MAN: Creole Lady Marmalade
LORNE: wow wow wow
voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir
BEJEWELED WOMAN: voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir
LORNE: He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up
The girl drinking all that magnolia wine
On her black satin sheets that"s where she started to freak
And I said
Giuchie giuchie ya ya dada
Say giuchie giuchie ya ya here
Mocha chocolata ya ya
Just say Creole Lady Marmalade
FRED: Oh, here he comes. He"s gonna plotz when he sees us.
GUNN: Oh, uh-uh. He better not stick that damn mic in my face
FRED: Oh, come on, Charles, it"s all in fun. Besides, you have a nice voice
GUNN: Yeah, do it if you want, but I"m not in the mood to-
ANGEL: He"s gone.
FRED: He just went right by.
GUNN: Oh... well, good
LORNE: Just say Creole Lady Marmalade Whoa-aah
AUDIENCE GIRL: ya ya da giuchie giuchie ya ya hey
LORNE: All right. Well, you"re just a tickle-me-cutie. What"s your name, peach pie?
AUDIENCE GIRL: Vivian.
VIVIAN"S FRIENDS: Yeah, Vivian!
LORNE: Aw, Viv, well it looks like you"ve got a little celebration going on here.
VIVIAN: Yeah, well, a going away party, actually.
LORNE: Going away? Honey, we just met. Where"re you going?
VIVIAN: Paris. I was just accepted to a culinary school there.
LORNE: Aw, well isn"t that great? How about sending a little good will to our chef of the future. Aw, that"s marvelous. Thank you, honey. And, Vivian, I"ve only got one thing to say to you:
Hey Giuchie giuchie ya ya dada
Giuchie giuchie ya ya here
Mocha chocolata ya ya
Creole lady marmalade!
FRED: It was just-wow! Wasn"t it? I-I mean the laser lights, those Lornette girls, and, hello, 30-piece orchestra!
GUNN: Yeah, but I still don"t know why he dissed us during the sing-along. It"s just nice to be asked is all.
ANGEL: I don"t know. I thought it was a little over-produced for my taste. It"s like I told Sammy Davis at the Sands. When you, Frank, and Dean are the meal, you don"t need the trimmings.
GUNN: Hold up. You knew the Rat Pack?
ANGEL: Know "em? No. I met "em once. Twice. For drinks. Maybe it was three times. Hey, you know, I did have a life before you guys came along.
FRED: So, do you know what you"re gonna sing?
FRED: For Lorne? So he can read you.
ANGEL: Hey, you know, we don"t have to do that right away. We just got here. Hey, who"s up for some blackjack?
LORNE: Hi! Hey, how are you?
FRED: Lorne. It"s us!
LORNE: Hey, love ya!
FRED: We love you t- Wait. That was him being superficial, wasn"t it?
ANGEL: W-wait! Hey, Lorne, wait!
GUARD: Hold it, pal.
ANGEL: Oh. Easy, OK. I know him. I just want to say hello.
GUARD: You and everybody else, pal.
BODYGUARD: Who were your friends?
LORNE: What friends? Oh, there just some old fans of mine.
Aw, thanks, kitten. Thank you.
MAN: Excuse me, Lorne, I don"t wanna disturb you, but I have to tell you that that was-mwa! Brilliant! You are-well, there just aren"t words to- Yes, genius! That"s what you are, a consummate-
LORNE: I"m kinda tired right now, Lee.
LEE/MAN: Oh, right, of course. Who wouldn"t be? The show you put on. When you"re out there giving a hundred, a hundred-fifty percent. Ah, two hundred, easy. And that is why you are the king, baby. And I am just so lucky to have a talent like yours headlining at my casino. Look, I don"t want to take up any more of your valuable time-
LORNE: Yeah, but, can"t we just do this later?
LEE: Ah, gee, I"d love to, Lorne. But you got another show to prepare for, and I"ve got things to do.
LORNE: Yeah, but later would be just so much better.
LEE: I think now is a good time. Or should we pink slip another girl from your act?
LORNE: Guy in the striped tie down front on the end, two term Nevada senatorship in twelve years. Uh, green sweater boy, table twelve, gonna write himself into a Pulitzer. The girl over here in the blue-Vivian, chef of the future. Gonna have three five-star restaurants in the next decade.
LEE: What else?
LORNE: That"s it. That"s it. That"s all.
LEE: OK, well, that"s terrific. You"re a prince. Now, if there"s anything else that my staff can provide for your comfort, just say the word. Have a terrific second show.
WESLEY: No, I"m working late as well. It"s fine. Sorry to disappoint, Lilah, but I am not waiting at the door with a scowl and burnt pot roast. Well, if your lot can have the world destroyed by midnight, we could still- Dammit, hold on. Price here. One minute. Can Emile put all that together for me?
DELIVERY GUY: It"s a pretty funky package. Wouldn"t be cheap.
WESLEY: I don"t need it to be cheap. I need it to work.
DELIVERY GUY: Yeah, I suppose. Yeah.
WESLEY: Go. Yes, we"ll bloody well take Angel"s clients if he"s out of town. Call me back with the details in twenty minutes. Sorry, Lilah, midnight might not be- Uh-huh. Oh, you did? That is my favorite pair. Are you sitting at your desk? Take them off. Why are you still here? No, not after your meeting. Now. Pretend you dropped your pencil. Very good. Now...
GUNN: Angel, come on, sit down. Relax. Play a few hands.
ANGEL: I don"t get it. Lorne knows we"re here. Why hasn"t he contacted us by now?
FRED: Maybe he"s just tired after his performance.
GUNN: Maybe it"s hard to see us common folk from way up on high.
GUNN: Success. Makes you forget the little people.
FRED: Oh, I don"t believe that. Not Lorne.
GUNN: You saw the way my man dissed us. It happens. Hit me.
VIVIAN: I don"t understand. I won something?
LORNETTE: The chance to play our million dollar Spin-To-Win. It"s an exclusive game we have here at the casino as a promotion.
VIVIAN: Wow. So I could win a million dollars?
LORNETTE: Could change your life. Just show the man over there your chip, and he"ll admit you into the game room.
VIVIAN: Thank you.
ANGEL: Excuse me.
LORNETTE: I"m not a waitress, sir.
ANGEL: I know. Uh, you were in the show with Lorne
ANGEL: I was just wondering if you can get this note to him for me.
LORNETTE: Oh, I"m sorry. I can"t do that.
ANGEL: It"s OK. See, I"m an old friend of his and he"d want to know I was here. If you could just get this note to him for me, I"m sure he would appreciate your help. I know I would.
LORNETTE: I"ll see what I can do.
CORDELIA: You"re picking up on it, too, aren"t you, Angel? Somethings wrong with those people. They could probably use your help. So that"s got me wondering... where"s that keen sense of perception as far as I"m concerned? What am I, out of the range of your super-vampire senses? Angel!
DEALER: Blackjack. Congratulations.
FRED: I"m feeling really bad about this.
GUNN: Oh, don"t feel guilty, babe. If I had your head for numbers, I"d be counting cards too.
FRED: No, I mean about Lorne acting weird with us.
GUNN: The guy"s on some old star trip, man. Who needs him?
FRED: Angel does. I"m worried about him, Charles. OK, I know he was right to send Connor away, but with Cordelia gone, the loneliness must be unbearable for him.
GUNN: The man"s had to bear a whole lot more than that over the years, so Lorne or no Lorne, I think this trip idea is gonna do Angel a world of good.
FRED: I hope so.
GUNN: It"s gonna be fine.
FRED: Well, maybe you"re right. I just wish we knew what was going on with Lorne.
GUNN: Well, let"s find out.
FRED: What? Now?
GUNN: If it"ll make my honey feel better, put her mind at ease, my fun can wait.
FRED: It"s because you"re out of chips, isn"t it?
FRED: Where"d Angel go? He was standing right there a second ago.
GUNN: Wherever he is, I bet he"s having a whole lot better luck than me.
GUARD: Hey, you just don"t give up, do you? We don"t cotton to stalkers around here, freak. Don"t even think about coming back to this casino, "cause we"re gonna remember your-
ANGEL: Hey, lemme give you a few more things to remember me by.
This place was so much friendlier when the mob ran it.
TAXI DRIVER: Idiot!
ANGEL: You all right?
ANGEL: Where were you trying to go?
VIVIAN: I ran out of quarters. I need more quarters. Have to play to win.
GUNN: Man, heads of state don"t get this much security. Something"s starting to seem a lot not right about this.
FRED: That"s what I"ve been saying, only with better grammar. Should we find Angel?
GUNN: Well, we"re never gonna get past bruisers one and two over there without a fight.
GUARD #1: Whoa. What"s this? He already got his drink.
FRED: Uh, yeah he- He did. Right. I-I know. They told me-I mean, they sent me to...
GUARD #1: Oh, I get it. A little pre-show diddle for the green guy, huh?
FRED: What? Diddle? I"m what?
GUARD #1: Oh, don"t be nervous. The demon, he doesn"t bite. Yeah, not with his mouth anyway.
GUARD #2: Wait a minute. You missed a couple of spots on your neck and behind your ear. You might want to fix that before you go out on stage.
FRED: Oh, right, "cause-"cause that would have been really embarrassing.
LORNE: Oh, I"m sorry, peach pie. I thought you just might have been-
FRED: Your diddle buddy?
LORNE: My what-le what? Oh, F-Fred? Winifred? Oh, hey, hallelujah. Oh, sweet cheeks, you don"t know the hell I"ve been through.
FRED: Uh-huh. It looks like real torture.
LORNE: Yeah, well it took you heroes long enough to rescue me.
FRED: Frankly, Lorne, we weren"t aware you needed-rescuing.
LORNE: Weren"t aware? I told you.
LORNE: Well, every time you called me, I kept asking about Fluffy.
FRED: Oh, I thought you were just using some sort of show-business catch phrase I wasn"t hip enough to get. Who"s Fluffy?
LORNE: Fluffy. Fluffy the dog. The dog you don"t have. The universally recognized code for "I"m being held prisoner. Send help!"
FRED: Oh. OK. I"m hip now. Who"s holding you prisoner?
LORNE: Oh, the creep who owns this place. Lee DeMarco. Well, he used to be some second-rate lounge magician until he got his hands on something legitimately mystical. Yeah now he"s a first-rate psychopath, and he"s using me to destroy people"s lives.
FRED: Using you how?
LORNE: There"s this game-
GAME OPERATOR: I told you, sir, you can"t come in here. This is a private game, by invitation only.
Croupier: Sir, there is a game in progress. You will have to leave.
LEE: No. It"s all right.
GAME OPERATOR: But, Mr. DeMarco, the wheel is already spinning.
LEE: I know. Let him play.
ANGEL: I"m not here to play games. I wanna know what happened to a girl who came in here.
LEE: We get a lot of girls in here. Can you be more specific?
ANGEL: I don"t think I need to be. It"s not just her, is it?
LEE: I"m sure I don"t know what you"re talking about.
ANGEL: Maybe I can jog your memory with a little-
GAME OPERATOR: House wins! Thank you for playing. Complements of the casino.
LEE: I invite you to take advantage of our slot machines. Good luck.
FRED: Ahh! Oh my God! It was horrible. He-he attacked me with these, um, laserbeams that-that shot out of his horns, and- and he escaped. He"s gone!
GUARD #1: There"s no other way out.
FRED: Right. No. "Cause, "cause he went through some sort of of demon metamorphosis thing, and, and he spit out his entire skeleton like, like- Like that, and then he just- He slithered away. Down the drain. In the sink. In the bathroom. Hurry!
GUARD #1: Security One, we have a Code Green. Repeat: Code Green.
GUNN: Somebody wanna give me the lowdown?
LORNE: Later. Suffice it to say we"re dead if we don"t get our fannies out of dodge.
GUNN: Good enough.
LORNE: We need the big guns. Where"s Angel?
BODYGUARD: You"re gonna wanna see this. This is what we got from our party crasher. The demon"s friend.
LEE: A vampire?
BODYGUARD: With a soul.
LEE: Well, now. This is interesting.
BODYGUARD: Yes, sir. Among other things, he"s positioned to be a major player in the Apocalypse.
LEE: Was, you mean? Have our brokers get the word out on this, and, uh, you might want to put a call in to that weirdo law firm in L.A.
BODYGUARD: Mr. DeMarco"s.
GUNN: Angel. Where ya been?
ANGEL: Here. I was there before and now I"m here.
LORNE: I think company"s coming, kids, and I don"t mean my Aunt Gert.
GUNN: Look, there"s big bad going down. We gotta get Lorne outta here. Think you can slow "em down?
GUNN: Gimme your car keys. Hold "em off as long as you can. I"ll swing the car around, pick you up at the end of the block in front of the Nugget. OK?
ANGEL: OK. Good luck.
GUNN: Where the hell are we?
LORNE: Oh, wrong exit. This is Glitter Gulch.
GUNN: Which way"s the car?
FRED: Oh, I-I think it"s back this- Nevermind
GUNN: You said this DeMarco guy is destroying lives. How?
LORNE: By taking "em.
GUNN: By killing people?
LORNE: No, worse, muchacho. He"s been using me to read members of my audience. Find those with what he calls valuable destinies: power, wealth, fame, yadda yadda yadda. Then the ones I pick-they get chosen to play this "Spin To Win" game. Only it"s not a game. It"s a big scamola. Then their destinies are imprinted on the chips and that old black magic wheel"s tricked out to never pay off.
GAME OPERATOR: House wins!
LORNE: The house always wins, and everybody loses: their futures, their destinies... They get offered up to an extremely black global market and sold to anyone willing to pay big money to change his or her life.
FRED: Futures trading.
LORNE: Can"t get any more literal than that, crumb cake.
FRED: What happens to "em? Those people?
LORNE: Uh, nothing. Nothing happens to "em, or will. They got no purpose, no direction. Unable to accomplish or succeed at anything ever again. Most never leave here. Some never get out of the casino.
They just sit there shoveling coins into slot machines that never pay off, like zombies or-
GUNN: Angel! They got him.
GUNN: Yeah, I"d say that"s a pretty big uh-oh.
FRED: No, that uh-oh.
GUNN: Now we do that fighting for our lives thing we do.
LORNE: Yeah, or-Or I do this.
FRED: That was... brilliant, Lorne. I may never hear my upper registers again, but nice work.
GUNN: Yeah, great work. How you sold Angel out.
GUNN: Boy, DeMarco must have wet his pants when you told him what a ripe destiny that was for the pickings. A champion to save the world or destroy it.
LORNE: You really believe I"d do that?
GUNN: I don"t know, Lorne. I don"t know why you did any of it. What, you were living so large, blaring Tony Bennett so loud in that sweet suite of yours, you couldn"t hear your conscience screaming at you!
FRED: Charles, it doesn"t matter.
GUNN: It does to me. I wanna know, Lorne. Why didn"t you just say no to that piece of-
LORNE: I did! The first time he asked me to, of course I refused. So he blew a girl"s brains out right in front of me. And he said that"s what I could expect every time I said no.
LORNE: No more than I am, slick.
GUNN: OK, as soon as I find Angel, I"m bringing him right out. Better leave the engine running in case there"s a posse behind us.
GUNN: I"ll be careful.
FRED: But what about his destiny. Angel"s. We can"t leave without getting it back.
LORNE: Yeah, well...this is Vegas, sunshine. Generally speaking, you lose here, you don"t get it back.
You... you know who I am, right?
GUNN: That"s right. And I"m your friend.
ANGEL: I know. I"m not stupid.
GUNN: Yeah. OK. Angel, something"s happened to you.
ANGEL: Oh, I got two cherries.
ANGEL: I got two cherries. If I get another one, I get my quarter back.
GUNN: You can"t, Angel. Listen to me. There"s been a casino heist, only you"re the heistee. They jacked your destiny. Now we gotta find a way to fix it, but until then, we gotta get outta here.
ANGEL: Have to play to win.
GUNN: Game"s over. We"re going now.
BODYGUARD: As a matter of fact, you"re not.
LEE: Lorne! I am so relieved. I was afraid that something terrible might have happened to you. Missing your second show like that. All those poor, disappointed people. All I could do was refund their money and comp their rooms for the inconvenience. And, my, my, what an inconvenience it was for all of us.
LORNE: Yeah, yeah, OK, Lee. OK. White flag"s up. You got me. Grind your organ, I"ll be your monkey. But you"ll get nothing from me if you hurt anyone else. I swear it.
LEE: Lorne, sweetie. You worry too much. I promise, you will be the only one hurting. Your friends will be dead so quick they won"t feel a thing.
CORDELIA: Oh. That"s just great. I mean, what"s the point of being an all-seeing powerful whachamawhoosit if I"m not allowed to intervene? My friends are gonna die. I mean, what am I supposed to-Angel. God, look what they"ve done to you. If I could just get you into that room, maybe- Think, bubblehead. How do I-
LEE: Take them out in the desert and shoot them. Bring the demon, I"d like him to watch.
BODYGUARD: Mr. DeMarco.
LEE: Not now, Spencer.
SPENCER: Sir, we have a winner.
LEE: That"s impossible.
SPENCER: He"s won a little over 300,000 dollars. And a car.
LORNE: Pretty good haul for somebody with no destiny, huh?
LEE: What are you doing? You, you, back on the phones. And bring me that vampire. Now!
LEE: I want answers. And they better be the right ones, or you"re dead.
ANGEL: Uh, I know this room...
LEE: I"ll-I"ll start again. How did you win on the slot machine?
ANGEL: I put a quarter in the slot, and I pulled that little lever.
LEE: Are you playing games with me, vampire?
ANGEL: Have to play to win.
LEE: It was a fluke. A glitch in the machine. There"s nothing there. Pay him his winnings-in quarters-and take the others on their desert tour.
FRED: Leave him alone!
LEE: What am I paying you for? Shoot them!
Ooh! W-wait! No, no, no, no, no! Hey, maybe I went about this wrong. We can still come to terms, right, kid? I mean, it wasn"t all bad here, I mean not, not all the time. What"s it gonna take? A bigger suite, fewer shows? You got it! What-whaddaya say?
ANGEL: This room-there"s something familiar.
ANGEL: You"re my friend. I know. I"m not stupid.
Oh, now I remember that room! Elvis and Priscilla"s wedding reception, 1967. Yes. All right. It"s not that I was you know really invited. They just put me near the dais. I think somebody thought I was in the band. Probably because I was all drunk and surly. They had these little fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
GUNN: OK, no more road trips for at least six months.
FRED: I can"t wait for a nice, hot bath.
LORNE: Hey, you OK?
ANGEL: Just thinking. Doesn"t make any sense winning on that machine.
GUNN: Maybe DeMarco was right: glitch in the machine.
LORNE: Or maybe Lady Luck was smiling down on you.
ANGEL: Hmm. Lady Luck. I don"t know. Just, I don"t get why or how I was able to fight when I had no reason to, no destiny.
LORNE: Well, even without a flight plan, bucko, you"re still a stealth bomber.
You were fighting for your friends" futures. The people you love are part of your destiny. Nobody can take that away, not even you. Well, listen, I got a lot more insightful bon mots like that, but, um, I"ve been stuck in a car for five and a half hours, and I gotta pee. Excuse me.
GUNN: Hey, so that bath idea? Maybe I can help you with one or two of those hard-to-reach spots.
FRED: Or three.
GUNN: OK, but three is where I draw the-
CORDELIA: Who are you people?