THE CAUTIONARY TALE OF NUMERO CINCO
GUARD: This is Henderson. South side basement door"s open. I"m gonna check it out.
C.B. VOICE: OK, copy that.
GUARD: Whoa! Jeez, Carlos. Thanks for the heart attack.
CARLOS: Right back at ya. Had to swap out that septic pipe.
GUARD: Mmm. Well, on behalf of a grateful nation...
Henderson here. Mystery solved.
C.B. VOICE: What happened?
GUARD: Found a crazed plumber.
LORNE: OK, um, professional opinion? Uh...sexy soccer mama or brainy beauty?
You"re an aging sexpot celebrating a decade of turning 29. You got 2 little rugrats that aren"t that little, a husband who thinks the extras trailer is a buffet table, and gravity ain"t doing you any favors.
So "Happy Birthday, Sexy Mama" or...
Fred. Hey, Fred, sweetie, you"re sorta like a woman.
FRED: Oh, that"s... not a compliment.
LORNE: Well, I mean, more so than El Cid here.
I need some insight. You"re an aging-
FRED: I heard. Don"t send a card, don"t mention her birthday, send a big bunch of flowers just because she"s special and perfect and eternally blah-di-blah.
LORNE: Huh! Staring me right in the face. Genius.
FRED: And I"m a lot like a woman.
LORNE: Oh, you"re all woman. You"re everywoman. You"re Wonder Woman!
FRED: Damn straight.
ANGEL: Is that blood?
GUNN: Yeah, but it"s OK. It"s yours.
And how is that OK?
GUNN: Demon law requires blood signatures on all legal documents. Your Herbie Hancock here locks and loads these docs. Then I take "em into court and fire away.
ANGEL: Locks and loads. Got it.
GUNN: As C.E.O. and president of Wolfram & Hart, you just bankrupted a company that dumps raw demon waste into Santa Monica bay, banished a clan of pyro warlocks into a hell dimension, and started a foster care program for kids whose parents have been killed by vampires.
Not bad for a day"s pay.
ANGEL: Yeah. Great.
GUNN: Look, I know legal weasels and business deals aren"t as heroic to you as rescuing young honeys from tumescent trolls, but I love what we do.
GUNN: Went a little Johnnie Cochran on ya.
You know, for the first time in my life, I can"t wait to get to work in the morning. You"ve always had your special powers. Now I have mine.
SPIKE: Isn"t that special! We all have special powers. Anybody wanna trade? I"ll swap ya two-for-one. Walking through walls, picking up mugs...
in exchange for... I don"t know, how about me not being dead?
ANGEL: How about you not being here?
SPIKE: If wishes were horses...
GUNN: You OK?
ANGEL: Yeah. Fine. Like you said, not bad for a day"s pay.
GUNN: I know you hate working here, what with the bureaucracy and the fact that most of our employees want us dead. But in-house attacks are down 30% this week. And we"ve done more good here in a month than Angel investigations did in a year.
ANGEL: I know, I"m just... I don"t know, just feeling a bit...
SPIKE: Are you serious? Here you are, finally living a piece of the high life-new clothes, new cars, my old tumble fetching you tasty snacks-and what"s your gripe? "I feel disconnected." You want to feel disconnected, try being a bloody ghost for a bit. Try bobbin" around with no touch or taste or smell. Not many fates worse than that, I"d wager.
OK, maybe that.
GUNN: I know what you"re saying about the disconnect. Much as I love the legalese, gotta admit, I miss mixing it up sometimes, you know? I miss getting my hands dirty.
WESLEY: Then you"ll be interested in this. 3 people found with their hearts cut out in East Los Angeles, all within the last couple of hours.
The police are on it, but my sense is it"s more demonic than some murderous nut job.
SPIKE: So we"re ruling out demonic nut jobs, then, are we?
GUNN: We should check it out.
GUNN: Yo! You missed one.
ANGEL: I"ll get it.
Hold up for a second.
I really hate this place.
WESLEY: What happened?
ANGEL: The mail guy threw me.
SPIKE: Number 5?!
He did this? Isn"t he like 100 years old?
ANGEL: Kinda hard to tell with the mask.
GUNN: Angel was attacked. Lock it down. No. One of ours. The mail guy, number 5.
WESLEY: Why did he attack you?
ANGEL: I was trying to give him the mail?
GUNN: Security"s on it. We"ll find him.
ANGEL: Look, this is just a thing. Maybe I, you know, startled him or something.
GUNN: I"m not taking any chances. This is Wolfram & Hart. You have enemies everywhere.
SPIKE: Hey! Fred! Did ya hear? Angel attacked the old mail guy.
FRED: Not number 5? You didn"t hurt him?
ANGEL: No. I- He attacked me.
WESLEY: We should find him.
SPIKE: Absolutely. Wanna buy him a pint. Bloody made my day.
GUNN: Gunn. Good. Great.
Security found him. They"re escorting him off the premises. You do wanna fire his masked ass, don"t you?
ANGEL: Um, I don"t...
WESLEY: I think it"s best.
ANGEL: Look, really, I"m fine. Let"s just get back to the bod-
LORNE: Holy tornado! It"s true!
SPIKE: Yeah. It was amazing. Angel went right off on the mail guy.
LORNE: Oh, this must"ve been one major smackdown.
ANGEL: There was no smacking.
LORNE: That"s not the hubbub I"m hearing, honeybuns. Word on the web has you sucker-punching Grandpa Moses.
ANGEL: The web?
LORNE: Don"t sweat it, sweetie pie. I"ve got my flak catcher spinning this into P.R. gold. Once the word spreads you beat up an innocent old man, well, the truly terrible will think twice before going toe-to-toe with our avenging Angel.
SPIKE: Yes. The geriatric community will be soiling their nappies when they hear you"re on the case.
ANGEL: I didn"t beat anybody up, OK? So let"s just focus on what"s important, like Wes" bodies.
FRED: Wesley has bodies?
GUNN: Someone found 3 bodies.
WESLEY: 4. Another one was just found in a church after an All Souls" mass.
ANGEL: All souls?
WESLEY: Prayers for the departed.
SPIKE: You should know that, being departed and all.
WESLEY: Tonight was a special service. It"s the Mexican day of the dead.
GUNN: Still not sure why blondie ghost tagged along.
SPIKE: Not much choice really, is there? Can"t drink, smoke, diddle my willy. Doesn"t leave much to do other than watch you blokes stumble around playing Agatha Christie.
WESLEY: Yeah, remind me again how you ended up in the front seat.
SPIKE: Called shotgun, mate.
WESLEY: Oh. I thought we were doing a weapons check.
GUNN: Nothin" wrong with that. We may need these bad boys if we"re going up against some Mexican day of the dead heart-suckin" monster.
WESLEY: Angel, the church we"re looking for is about half a mile-
SPIKE: Always was a bit of a drama queen.
GUNN: So you what, heard his scream?
SPIKE: He smelled the blood. Nothing grabs a vamp"s attention like the ruby red.
GUNN: Notice no matter how uptown we go, we always wind up in some stanky hole in the middle of the night?
WESLEY: Angel! His heart"s missing. Looks like it was cut out with some sort of crude knife. And based on these blood spatters, I"d say it was still beating when it was removed.
ANGEL: The blood"s fresh. This just happened.
WESLEY: So whatever did this might still be close.
GUNN: How close?
SPIKE: I"d say 10, 11 feet.
GUNN: How you like that, sparky?
OK, so next time, I hold onto the axe.
SPIKE: Not that way, you git!
GUNN: We shot it, chopped it, hacked and whacked it. The only souvenir we got was the gunk on this blade. Thought you might do some tests.
FRED: Sure. Maybe hematological... cellular RH enzymes... obviously a full SMA-20.
GUNN: Obviously. Give me a shout when you know something, OK?
FRED: Hmm. Demonoid entropy patterning couldn"t hurt.
If you"re trying to find out what this thing"s made of, it"s gonna take a while.
SPIKE: Couldn"t care less. I"m just trying to put as much distance between myself and general grumpypants as my ghost leash allows.
FRED: He just gets like that sometimes. Not easy being a champion. You know that.
SPIKE: Really don"t.
FRED: Come on. You saved the world, sacrificed yourself, closed a hellmouth.
SPIKE: Didn"t do much, really. I just stood there... let the fire come. Nothin" real heroic about that.
FRED: Well, you did save my life.
SPIKE: Well, when you say it like that...
WESLEY: Cross-reference the weapons list against both Aztec and Incan artifacts.
WESLEY: Uh, less reptilian, and the mouth was larger. Think predatory bird meets demonic gladiator.
ANGEL: How we doin"?
WESLEY: Based on the creature"s appearance and weaponry, I"m focusing my team on prehispanic texts. Specifically mesoamerican.
WESLEY: We"re not there yet, but I"m confident.
ANGEL: Yeah, I can see that. You"ll find it. Then we"ll figure out a way to stop it. Then-then I"ll...stop it, "cause that"s what we do.
I"ll be in my office.
WESLEY: I wasn"t aware that you could read Cuauhtitlan pictograms.
SPIKE: Who, me? Nah, I was just... is this one of those books on prophecies?
WESLEY: No, it"s a source book. Each one ties into a discipline within the Wolfram & Hart archives. This one is linked to historical narratives.
That"s the one dedicated to prophecies.
SPIKE: So...you could look up that, uh... sans shoes thingamabob. You know, the prophecy that says that Angel gets to be a real boy again.
WESLEY: Shanshu prophecy, yes. Uh, though it"s a bit more complicated than that.
WESLEY: It tells of an epic, apocalyptic battle and a vampire with a soul who plays a major role in that battle. And there"s the suggestion that the vampire will get to live again.
SPIKE: When you say, "plays a major role in an apocalyptic battle," you mean like, um...
heroically closing a hellmouth that was about to destroy the world?
WESLEY: The text isn"t specific about the battle.
SPIKE: But it"s specific about the name of the vampire with a soul.
WESLEY: No, I imagine it could be any vampire with a soul...
...who isn"t a ghost.
SPIKE: It"s a bunch of nonsense. It"s a bedtime story to get vampires to play nice.
WESLEY: Says you.
SPIKE: No, says Angel.
Yeah. Tall-dark-and-dreary told me he doesn"t believe in that Shanshu bugaboo. Says it"s a sucker"s game.
WESLEY: That"s it. Good. Print it out.
It"s an Aztec demon named Tezcatcatl. We don"t know a lot about it yet. Our codex is missing several key pictographs. What we do know is that it"s been here before-50 years ago to the day.
ANGEL: The day of the dead.
WESLEY: Yes, though that may be a coincidence. I"ll know better once we determine why it"s here in L.A. or what it wants. Wolfram & Hart has a brief record of what happened. According to this, Tezcatcatl rose in the same place, East Los Angeles, killed over a dozen people before it was finally defeated.
WESLEY: Yes, by 5 heroes. Brothers. They were the champions of that time.
ANGEL: They destroyed the demon?
WESLEY: Yes, but at quite a price. The brothers were all killed. All but one.
SPIKE: Not to be captain obvious, but... either the brothers didn"t really finish the demon off, or it"s figured out a way to come back from wherever they sent it. Either way, best of luck, mate.
ANGEL: You said one of the brothers survived. Is he still alive?
ANGEL: OK then, I"ll talk to him. I"m sure he"ll want to help. Do we have his number?
WESLEY: As a matter of fact, we do.
Unh! Stop doing that.
NUMBER 5: Perhaps I wasn"t clear in our last conversation.
ANGEL: What conversation? You threw me through a window.
NUMBER 5: I heard you speaking. You were going to drag me into your quest for the Aztec demon.
ANGEL: No, I wasn"t. I was gonna give you some mail.
NUMBER 5: Oh. Sorry.
ANGEL: Now I"m dragging you back in.
I need your help. You and your brothers beat this Aztec warrior thing first time around. And I need to know how.
NUMBER 5: I"m sorry. In case you haven"t noticed, I have retired from that life.
ANGEL: Wearing that mask doesn"t exactly hide your past.
NUMBER 5: It reminds me that only a fool would want to be a champion.
ANGEL: Fool? Is that what you think of your brothers?
NUMBER 5: Never disrespect the memory of my brothers. They were honorable men... luchadores. Mexican wrestlers. The greatest that ever lived. Together we were known as Los Hermanos Numeros.
ANGEL: The number brothers?
Boy, you guys had no problem getting past the whole irony thing now, did you?
NUMBER 5: It was a different time. One that no longer exists.
CROWD: Andale, andale!
NUMBER 2: Bailamos, lecherita!
SUBTITLE: Let"s dance, milkmaid!
NUMBER 5: We were great warriors in the ring, great heroes. Children worshipped us. Women loved us. Men wanted to be us.
NUMBER 2: Todavia quieren danzar, bailarinas?
SUBTITLE: You ballerinas still wanna waltz?
NUMBER 5: In all the years we fought, we never lost. Never quit. Never compromised. We were the best. But not all of our battles were in the ring.
You need to understand. We were more than just luchadores. No one else cared about Mexicans or Chicanos, so we protected our own.
The five of us were always joined, always connected. And when necessary, we came together as a fist. We fought monsters and gangsters. Vampiros. We were heroes. We protected the weak... and we helped the helpless.
ANGEL: I know a little something about that.
NUMBER 5: We spent every waking hour together.
We fought hard. We played hard. Brothers in the truest sense. Never jealous, never bickering. Those were the happiest days of my life.
ANGEL: Wait a second. So you guys always wore your masks?
NUMBER 5: What you are failing to see, my friend, is that we had to be ever-vigilant, ready for action at a moment"s notice.
Si. Si. !Hermanos!
The devil has built a robot!
ALL BROTHERS: Andale!
NUMBER 5: Surely you have heard about our great victory over the devil"s robot?
NUMBER 5: Nobody remembers the good stuff.
ANGEL: But tell me about the Aztec warrior.
NUMBER 5: What can I say about a demon who killed the people that mattered most to me?
ANGEL: You can start by saying how you killed it back.
NUMBER 5: I don"t know. Can"t remember.
ANGEL: Can"t remember or don"t care?
NUMBER 5: Do not misunderstand me. After my brothers were killed, I tried to carry on...
...tried to help people. But after a while, the phone stopped ringing. The people went away... until one night when a man walked in. He said his company could use a young man with my abilities.
ANGEL: Wolfram & Hart.
NUMBER 5: I needed a job. They needed muscle. I knew that Wolfram & Hart was everything my brothers despised. But what did I care? Nothing mattered after I buried them behind San Gregorio. Every year on El Dia de Los Muertos, I prepare this altar for them. And every year, they never come, never visit. Because I am not worthy. But it does not matter anymore. Not after this year. I should have died with my brothers.
ANGEL: But you didn"t. You got stuck with the hard part, the carrying-on. No wonder your brothers" spirits never come to visit. Listen to yourself. You"ve quit. Tell me: Why"d you stop caring?
NUMBER 5: It was not hard. I will show you.
This is how my brothers are remembered, what their good deeds earned. They sacrificed their lives as heroes, and it is played out as a farce.
ANGEL: Maybe you expect too much from people.
NUMBER 5: Is it too much to expect them to remember their past? To honor those that fought and died? My brothers are dead, and Tezcatcatl is back to kill again. Why did we bother? What difference did we make?
ANGEL: You made a difference in the lives you saved. And you did it because... it was the right thing to do. Nobody asks us to go out and fight, put our lives on the line. We do it because we can, "cause we know how. We do it whether people remember us or not, in spite of the fact that there"s no shiny reward at the end of the day... other than the work itself.
I think some part of you still knows that, still believes in being a hero.
WESLEY: I"d forgotten that Aztec culture was so violent.
GUNN: Yeah, "cause our culture"s so at peace.
WESLEY: All right, but by and large, we don"t eat our victims.
GUNN: You got that file on the lady from the all soul"s mass?
WESLEY: She"s the most puzzling. The demon passed by over 20 people... so he could attack her.
GUNN: I know. We need to find its M.O., so Angel can guess its next move.
WESLEY: Does Angel seem all right to you?
GUNN: Yeah. Still adjusting to corporate life, I guess. Bit of a disconnect.
GUNN: His word, not mine. But he"s still doing his hero thing. Wait a minute. Didn"t you say the homeless guy in the alley was a vet?
WESLEY: Yeah. Gulf War.
GUNN: And something about a Bronze Star. Bronze Star, lady in the church worked with gangs, this dude, a fireman.
WESLEY: Saved his crew in a fire. That"s the thread, that"s the M.O.?
GUNN: It"s taking the hearts of heroes.
ANGEL: So much for my stirring speech.
So you think this demon is eating the hearts of heroes, huh? Well, it"s an interesting theory, and I can see where your research might seem to support that, but...your theory kinda fell apart in the field.
WESLEY: Angel, I know you"ve been through a horrible ordeal, and I"m not trying to-
ANGEL: The reason why I know this Aztec demon is not eating the hearts of heroes is... he didn"t take mine. Am I honestly supposed to believe that it had no problem sticking a sword in my stomach but then decided, "Oh, wait, his heart"s not heroic enough"? Ha! I don"t think so.
WESLEY: I understand you"re feeling rejected. But this Aztec warrior... it wants the hearts for sustenance. It wants it for the meat, not the metaphor.
ANGEL: What are you saying?
GUNN: As meat goes, your heart"s a dried-up hunk of gnarly-ass beef jerky.
ANGEL: Yeah, well, stick a piece of wood in it, and I still die. Must mean something.
WESLEY: Can we get back to figuring out how to kill this demon rather than figuring out why it didn"t kill you?
GUNN: OK, before ol" Numero Cinco bolted on the bus, did he drop any details about how he and his brothers defeated this Aztec thing?
ANGEL: Wes, did you ever hear that the devil built a robot?
WESLEY: El Diablo Robotico.
ANGEL: Nobody ever tells me anything.
GUNN: I"m gonna go check with my guys in contracts.
WESLEY: Gunn, this should take precedence.
GUNN: Relax. It"s warrior-related. I got to thinking, if this Aztec demon got back to come back after 50 years, maybe it made some kind of supernatural deal with something. And if there"s a deal, might be a contract.
WESLEY: Angel, what Gunn said about your heart-the dried-up bit-I don"t think that"s the problem.
ANGEL: But you do see a problem?
WESLEY: It"s the work.
ANGEL: Oh, yeah. The 18-hour days, the constant slaying of evil, and the being shish-kebabed to a Chevy.
WESLEY: I didn"t say you weren"t working. I"m just saying your heart"s not in the work.
ANGEL: Well, yeah, you know, I"ve been feeling a little bit, uh...
WESLEY: Disconnected. Yes, I"ve heard. But I think it"s more serious than that. You blame your melancholy on your new position, but I don"t think it"s about the type of work. I think it"s because you"ve lost hope that the work has meaning.
ANGEL: Of course it has meaning. We save people"s lives.
WESLEY: I"m not talking about them. I"m talking about you. It"s lost meaning for you. Spike says you no longer believe in the Shanshu prophecy.
ANGEL: Of course not. The prophecies are nonsense. You know that. Oh, come on, Wes, after everything we"ve seen the past couple of years? "The father will kill the son."
WESLEY: What are you talking about?
ANGEL: Look, we"re getting the work done. As long as I keep doing what I do, doesn"t matter if I believe in the Shanshu or any other prophecy.
WESLEY: I"m sorry, Angel, but nothing matters more. Hope: It"s the only thing that will sustain you, that will keep you from ending up like Number 5.
It"s Fred. She"s got something.
So it"s eating the hearts of heroes, and their blood is what keeps it alive.
FRED: Yeah, but it does more than that. It acts like a kind of supercharged rocket fuel. Makes it, you know...
WESLEY: Nigh invulnerable.
SPIKE: Oh, I could kill it. I mean, ghostiness to the contrary. Well, come on, lads. Everything has an Achilles heel.
ANGEL: And you just so happen to know this creature"s Achilles heel?
SPIKE: Well, I wager it"s the heart.
FRED: You see that in the science?
SPIKE: No, luv, in the poetry. We"re dealing with a mythic creature here, a kill-or-be-killed kind of creature. If I was gonna kill something that was trying to take my heart, I"d try to bloody well take its heart first.
GUNN: And you"d be doing the right thing. That"d stop it for the time being.
ANGEL: Time being?
GUNN: Yeah. He"s kinda got a get-out-of-jail-free card. It"s in his contract.
GUNN: Figure of speech. Curse, hex, any shady supernatural deal- Wolfram & Hart has a record of it.
Tezcatcatl was one of the Aztecs" most powerful warriors. He forged a mystical talisman that would harness the power of their sun God, make him supernova powerful. But he got found out, was sentenced to die on the Aztec version of day of the dead.
WESLEY: So he made a mystical deal.
GUNN: Yeah, it was pretty clever, really. He had their shaman put a curse on him to return from the dead every 50 years. Been doing it for centuries. Usually, that"d be a bad thing, but, in his case, it brings him back so he can keep searching for the talisman.
FRED: Any idea what happened to the talisman?
GUNN: It was given to a great hero in charge of protecting it.
ANGEL: Which gets passed down through the generations so each time this demon returns, it"s searching for that talisman.
SPIKE: And if it finds it, the demon becomes sun-God powerful, and you sods become a series of hearty snacks.
WESLEY: Is there a drawing of it?
GUNN: Negative. All I know is that it"s gold, about the size of a quarter, and has the sun and some other spooky mumbo-jumbo carved into it.
SPIKE: Oh, see! Drama queen.
NUMBER 5: Tezcatcatl... ven. Yo te espero. Come. I wait for you.
ANGEL: Won"t work, you know. You want the Aztec warrior to come, to kill you so you can be with your brothers, but... he won"t.
NUMBER 5: He will be here. I summoned him.
ANGEL: Maybe. But he won"t kill you... or me.
Missing the secret ingredient. Now give me the talisman, and I"ll leave you to your misery.
NUMBER 5: I don"t have it.
ANGEL: Where is it?
NUMBER 5: You are one strange man, Seсor Angel.
ANGEL: I"m not the one in a mask standing in a cemetery in the middle of the night.
NUMBER 5: No. But you will be.
ANGEL: You want this thing to punch your ticket, fine. But I"m not gonna let it get the talisman.
NUMBER 5: Say you stop it. Then what? In 50 years it"s back, and nothing has changed.
ANGEL: Give it to me.
NUMBER 5: You were right about Tezcatcatl not wanting to kill me, that I am not a hero, so I had to find a way to fool him, to make myself worthy. I swallowed the talisman. If he wants it, he will have to cut it out of me.
You want your talisman?
Pues, ven y tomalo. Esta en mi panza.
SUBTITLE: Come and get it. It"s in my belly.
NUMBER 5: Don"t you remember? I"m the hombre who destroyed you last time. Come on. It"s in here.
Come and get it.
That"s it. Again.
ANGEL: Not gonna make it that easy for you.
We already did this little dance, remember?
NUMBER 5: If you"re looking for heroes, you"re wasting your time.
It"s time I taught you something.
NUMBER 5: Mis hermanos.
NUMBER 4: Amigo... andale.
ANGEL: We"re trying to kill it, not pin it.
OK. Pinning works.
NUMBER 5: Mis hermanos, they came back.
ANGEL: Because you"re worthy. You proved it.
NUMBER 5: Maybe. But still the demon did not want my heart.
ANGEL: He didn"t want mine, either.
NUMBER 5: Of course not, amigo. Who would want that dried-up walnut of a dead thing?
ANGEL: Coffee? You want coffee?
NUMBER 5: Estupido! The talisman. It"s in...
I may not be a hero, but I am not a fool.
ANGEL: See if you can put this someplace safe.
WESLEY: Angel, are you OK? I know you"ve been feeling-
ANGEL: I"m fine. Got the job done. That"s what"s important. It"s been a long day. See you guys in the morning.
FRED: So number 5, he jumped in and helped at the end?
ANGEL: He died a hero.
"Shansu prophecy, English translation."