ANGEL: Spike... Spike, wait. That"s not a prize you"re holding. It"s not a trophy. It"s a burden. It"s a cr-
SPIKE: Blah, blah, blah. Give it a rest, hero. I win, you lose, and all your talking"s not gonna change that.
ANGEL: It"s not your destiny. It"s mine.
SPIKE: Still can"t accept it? It"s pathetic, really. All your life"s been a lie. Everything you"ve done-the lives you"ve saved, dreams of redemption-all that pain... all of it for nothing. "Cause this...
was never about you. Cheers.
Uh, yeah, thanks... but not really my type, Mary. So be a good lad and push off.
What are you gawking at?
MAN AT CLUB: A guy like you, whiling away his time in some cheesy downtown strip dive. Look like somebody who"s feeling kinda lost.
SPIKE: Is that right? Funny, thought I knew exactly where I was.
Place called the Peppermint Stick.
Prima ballerina up there"s Sunshine. Though I"m fairly certain that"s not her real name.
MAN AT CLUB: You know... we really should talk.
SPIKE: You know? Really not.
I don"t know what you"re selling, but best you peddle your wares someplace else if you know what"s good for you.
MAN AT CLUB: Hey, Spike...
get any interesting mail lately?
SPIKE: Who the bloody hell are you?
MAN AT CLUB: Your new best friend.
SPIKE: You?! You say you"re responsible for me being back?
You sent that package with the de-ghosting mojo.
MAN AT CLUB: And?
SPIKE: The amulet.
You mailed that thing to Wolfram & Hart.
MAN AT CLUB: Hey, couldn"t leave your spirit trapped in a bauble at the bottom of a hellmouth, could we?
SPIKE: And who"s "we"?
MAN AT CLUB: Come on, Spike. You must know there"s a lot of folks out there that are interested in you.
Powerfully interested, one might say-
SPIKE: Enough with the cryptic, butch. I want to know who...
...or what you are... what you want, and how fast I can snap your forearm before you answer.
MAN AT CLUB / DOYLE: You can call me Doyle. But it"s not what I want... it"s what you want.
You got your life back now. What are you gonna do about it?
WESLEY: I say we make a pre-emptive strike. Remove him before he and his followers go underground.
WESLEY: We"re talking about an evil warlock here. The longer we wait, the more powerful he becomes.
GUNN: I don"t plan on waiting.
WESLEY: Really? What is your plan?
GUNN: We open a can of Machiavelli on his ass.
HARMONY: It"s Matchabelli, Einstein, and it doesn"t come in a can.
GUNN: Is he in?
HARMONY: Is who in?
WESLEY: What you"re proposing could take weeks. We can"t afford the delay.
GUNN: 48 hours, maximum. There are at least 2 initiates to his inner circle who"d jump at the chance to overthrow him.
WESLEY: You"re overlooking the tactical merits of my assassination scenario.
GUNN: Hey, in my plan, he still wakes up dead by Thursday.
C.E.O., right here, in the dark.
WESLEY: Sorry, Angel. Lucien Drake. He"s a warlock.
GUNN: An evil warlock and a cult leader. Got over a thousand followers. We"re pretty sure they sold most of their children down the Hades river in return for some serious demonic mojo.
WESLEY: One more religious fringe group stockpiling weapons, but in this case, the weapons are black magicks of the most dangerous variety.
ANGEL: And you want Wolfram & Hart to stop them.
GUNN: Not so much stopping as...
WESLEY: ...as redirecting their energies.
GUNN: See, a cult this big has alliances, connections. If we confront them directly, it could be very bad for business.
WESLEY: But if we eliminate their leader covertly...
GUNN: ...then they spend the next billing cycle fighting among themselves to hack out the new pecking order.
ANGEL: Uh-huh... So are we doing this because it"s right... or because it"s cost-effective?
GUNN: Uh, well, a little of both actually.
WESLEY: Yes, oddly, once again we find ourselves in a bit of a gray-
ANGEL: ...say that!
Can we just get through one damn day without saying that?
OK. Explain it to me again.
SPIKE: I"ve heard enough.
DOYLE: Don"t you even want to know why you came back to L.A.? You hate this city. There"s gotta be a reason, right?
SPIKE: You talk a lot for somebody saying nothing.
DOYLE: You"ve got a destiny-
SPIKE: Like the destiny that was supposed to be at the bottom of a cup of perpetual nothing?
SPIKE: Know so much about me, you must know I get really violent when I"m being played. It was you who sent Angel and me on that wild goose chase.
DOYLE: I don"t know anything!
I"m just doing what they tell me.
Bringing you back. Look, I"m just a guy. I"m nobody. A drifter. I was minding my own business, and then one day-
Wham! I start having these visions.
DOYLE: Yeah, like brain pictures, but they hurt. Like when you eat ice cream too fast. You start seeing people in trouble...
...who need a champion.
SPIKE: Hey, you are barking up the wrong vampire. That"s Angel"s beat.
DOYLE: Angel"s not in the picture anymore. All right? He"s working the other side of the tracks. Nobody is out there helping the people that really need help.
SPIKE: What, so I"m supposed to jump every time you get a vision of someone in dire peril?
DOYLE: Why do you think we"re having this conversation? I had one right before I came here. You don"t have to believe me, but if a young girl gets murdered tonight and you didn"t lift a finger to stop it, ask yourself... can you live with that?
VAMPIRE: Get lost!
SPIKE: Already am, according to some.
GIRL: Help me!
VAMPIRE: I don"t think you heard me.
Get out of here.
SPIKE: Can"t do it.
VAMPIRE: You just made the biggest mistake of your life-
GIRL: Thank you! Thank you! That thing was gonna kill me!
SPIKE: Well, what do you expect? Out alone in this neighborhood? I got half a mind to kill you myself, you half-wit.
SPIKE: I mean, honestly, what kind of retard wears heels like that in a dark alley? Take 2 steps, break your bloody ankle.
GIRL: I was just trying to get home.
SPIKE: Well, get a cab, you moron.
And on the way, if a stranger offers you candy, don"t get in the van!
DOYLE: Believe me now?
SPIKE: What, your victim vision? Please. Can"t throw a bloody stone in this town without hitting some bimbo in trouble.
DOYLE: Tough guy, huh? Nice work, by the way, takin" out that vamp.
SPIKE: Oh, yeah. Epic battle. My finest hour.
DOYLE: You just saved a girl"s life. It"s nothing to laugh off. Though you could try being a little nicer next time. You almost made her cry.
SPIKE: Next time?
DOYLE: Well, that"s up to you. A lot more people need saving.
SPIKE: News flash, sparky: Don"t need your help. Been saving people long before you showed up.
DOYLE: Not like this. You just helped a person when there wasn"t anything in it for you. That"s not like the Spike I know.
SPIKE: Oh, is that right? And what Spike is that?
DOYLE: The Spike that"s only out for himself. The one who does good deeds to impress...women.
SPIKE: You"d best watch your-
DOYLE: I"m just sayin". You did good. From what I hear Angel didn"t save the girl on his first mission.
SPIKE: What"s Angel got to do with this?
DOYLE: Well... nothin". Not anymore.
GUNN: I know how these people think, Wes!
WESLEY: And I know what we have in our arsenal, Charles!
FRED: Guys, I can hear you out in the lobby.
The week"s lab reports, Angel.
WESLEY: Fred, doesn"t the Wolfram & Hart satellite have lethal capability?
WESLEY: I mean, couldn"t we eliminate a target from the air, untraceably?
FRED: Well, we do have an orbital-range microwave cannon up there. Focuses the satellite"s communications signals into a pinpoint beam. It can raise the temperature of the targeted area 1,000 degrees in less than 5 seconds. So, yeah, in theory, we could. That is, if we did that sort of thing.
Do we do that sort of thing?
WESLEY: It might be the thing to do.
GUNN: Think someone won"t notice us firing a sci-fi death ray from outer space?
FRED: Well, actually, the beam reads like cell phone static on most atmospheric scanning equipment.
ANGEL: Let"s kill them all.
ANGEL: Warlocks, minions-they"re all evil. Sold their kids to the devil. Let"s just wipe "em all out. We got the power to do that, right?
WESLEY: Yes, but, Angel-
ANGEL: Why don"t we? Let"s just get back to the basics: Good versus evil. Offing the monsters where we find them.
GUNN: We have to tread light here, Angel. We can"t afford to- Are you all right?
ANGEL: I"m just...tired. Gunn, get a meeting with your best Judas. Feel him out, but don"t tip your hand. Any hint of him carrying word back to Drake, we go with Wes" plan.
FRED: Are you sure you"re all right?
GUNN: You don"t look so good.
ANGEL: Yeah, I, uh, just... need to get some rest.
FRED: Go. Rest. And maybe sleep in tomorrow.
ANGEL: No, there"s too much on our schedule.
WESLEY: There"s nothing we can"t handle.
GUNN: Yeah, anything earth-shattering comes up, we know where to find you.
ANGEL: Hey, Wes.
WESLEY: You"re barely on your feet. Here.
ANGEL: I, uh, I think... I-I think I"m sick.
WESLEY: Vampires don"t get sick.
ANGEL: I don"t feel right.
WESLEY: Well, that"s understandable. You"ve got a lot on your mind. Must be hard adjusting to the new situation.
WESLEY: Finally coming to grips with the truth... that you"re irrelevant.
WESLEY: It"s difficult to face, I know. But things could"ve been much worse. Spike"s arrival"s actually quite fortuitous.
It"ll make this a lot easier.
ANGEL: Wha-what? What are you-
SPIKE: It"s all right. You"re safe now.
MAN: What were those things?
SPIKE: You"re better off not knowing, believe me.
WOMAN: Wait. Who are you?
SPIKE: I"m the hero.
WESLEY: Harmony, I need you to run these to accounting. Tell them it"s about the warlock situation.
HARMONY: I"m not allowed to talk to accounting without Angel"s approval. I accidentally authorized a few bath-of-the-month subscriptions. On accident.
WESLEY: Give them my authorization code. Have them cut a check, send it immediately.
EVE: That"s the spirit-solving problems by throwing money at them. You"re starting to get the hang of this job.
WESLEY: Something I can help you with, Eve?
EVE: Lookin" for the big man.
WESLEY: He"s indisposed right now. What can I do for you?
EVE: Yeah, sorry, but I gotta go straight to Angel on this one.
WESLEY: Whatever you"ve got there, Angel"s just gonna hand it off to me anyway, so you may as well show it to me now.
EVE: Fair enough.
The senior partners are very interested in this. I don"t know what it is, to be honest, and I get the sense that they don"t, either. But they must suspect it"s powerful because they"re chomping at the bit to learn whatever they can.
WESLEY: We"ll do our best.
EVE: Probably goes without saying, but-
WESLEY: I"ll have it for you as soon as possible.
EVE: That"s my boy.
HARMONY: Any business with the senior partners, I"m supposed to tell Angel immediately.
WESLEY: I"ll take care of it, Harmony.
HARMONY: Also, any time something comes in with runes on it, I"m supposed to tell Angel immediately... and not try and read the runes myself... "cause that can cause a fire.
WESLEY: As soon as we have some answers, we"ll fill him in. Until then, I think Angel deserves some peace and quiet.
You look terrible.
ANGEL: Fred. I think something"s wrong.
FRED: OK. OK, don"t worry. I know what to do.
Let"s take a look under the hood.
ANGEL: What? Fred?
What are you doing?
FRED: It"s OK.
Ah! Aah! Aah!
FRED: Hmm. There. That wasn"t so bad, was it? OK. Let"s get these out of the way.
ANGEL: Please, stop.
FRED: There"s your liver.
Oh, there"s your kidneys.
Oh, don"t worry. You"re a vampire. You don"t need this stuff anyway. Probably should"ve had it removed a long time ago.
There"s your heart.
Hey! What do you know? It is a dried-up little walnut.
So far so good. Let"s see...
Hmm. Came up the gulf stream, huh?
Hang on. Oh.
There"s your soul!
Ooh. We"re gonna have to flush this. Unh.
Thank you, bear.
ANGEL: What"s wrong?
FRED: Nothing. I can"t seem to find anything wrong with you. I mean...
...except that you"re empty. There"s nothing left. Just a shell.
I think I can hear the ocean in there.
WESLEY: She didn"t say much else, only that it needed to be done as soon as possible.
GUNN: You guys are gonna want to see this.
Been getting reports of a vigilante prowling the streets last night. A vampire, apparently.
WESLEY: Angel never left his penthouse.
"Vigilante reportedly killed 2 vampires at a gas station, then asked the women he saved if they"d, quote, like to get a bottle of hootch and listen to some Sex Pistols records with him."
FRED: Are we sure Angel"s just tired and not, um... crazy?
GUNN: Read the description.
WESLEY: "Medium build, black leather coat...platinum blond hair."
SPIKE: You gotta invite me in.
DOYLE: It"s not my place. It"s yours.
Building"s quiet. Windows don"t get direct sunlight. You"ve got a sewer entrance for your daytime travel.
SPIKE: What, no cable?
DOYLE: You got water, electricity, heating-all the basics. Even got a Korean market on the corner. Open all night.
SPIKE: Look-I appreciate what you"ve done for me, making me corporeal and all, but I draw the line at being your kept boy.
DOYLE: Oh. You got someplace else to live? I mean, a man of your means must have money tucked away somewhere. You"ll find something soon.
I"m offering you a place to hang your hat. Or...your coat. Could say thank you.
SPIKE: Great. Another ruddy basement.
DOYLE: You want creature comforts? You can go to Wolfram & Hart. This place has everything you need to be a hero. The job requires somewhat of a... Spartan existence.
SPIKE: You call that a bed?
DOYLE: Well, it"s not like you"re gonna be sharing it with anyone any time soon.
SPIKE: Keep it down, mate. You"ve got something on your shirt there.
BUFFY: Every time I say the word prom, you get grouchy.
SPIKE: Won"t be long now.
ANGEL: You"re taking Buffy to the prom?
BUFFY: Can you say jumping the gun? I kill my goldfish.
ANGEL: I thought we were going to-
SPIKE: Shh. I can"t be a marathon man with all your yammering.
FRED: Hey! Look who it is. How you feeling?
ANGEL: Better. Thanks.
ANGEL: Oh, I...
FRED: Always takes me a few days to get back in the swing of things, myself. Um...you should put on a clean shirt, though.
GUNN: Hey, guys. Come on. You"ll miss it.
ANGEL: Miss what?
Oh, my God.
LORNE: Hey...down in front!
HARMONY: Yeah, Angel. You"re blocking the apocalypse.
ANGEL: I have to do something. I have to get out there!
WESLEY: Don"t worry. Spike"ll take care of it.
GUNN: You should go back to bed.
LORNE: Or at least go put some clean clothes on. You got a little something on your shirt there, babe.
the words "Way to go Spike!"
ALL: For he"s a jolly good fellow,
for he"s a jolly good fellow,
for he"s a jolly good fellow,
which nobody can deny!
ALL: Speech, speech, speech, speech!
SPIKE: Well, this is, uh... Thank you, everyone. Um...I don"t know what to say.
I"m just a... working-class bloke fulfilling his destiny. It was nothing, really.
FRED: Nothing? Spike, you single-handedly ended Armageddon and turned the world into a beautiful, happily-ever-after, candy mountain place where all our dreams come true.
SPIKE: Beautiful, isn"t it?
GUNN: The living end. And now...it"s time for your reward.
SPIKE: But I didn"t do this for a reward.
GUNN: Well, that"s why you"re getting one.
WESLEY: After all, anyone who saves the universe from eternal bloodshed, horror, and misery deserves to get what they"ve always wanted.
FRED: Deserves to become a real boy.
FAIRY: And so you shall.
SPIKE: My heart. It"s...
it"s beating again! Listen!
FRED: You"re human, Spike! You"re alive!
GUNN: Ooh! I wanna hear!
WESLEY: Let"s hear it for Spike!
ALL: Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hooray!
SPIKE: Thank you!
ALL: Marvelous! Absolutely marvelous!
SPIKE: Well, look who"s come to call- Crockett and Tubbs.
Come on in, boys. Out of the cold into the damp.
Suppose I should have expected a visit from Big Brother"s L.A. Branch sooner or later.
Can I get you a frosty?
GUNN: What are you up to, Spike?
SPIKE: Man gets right to the meat of the existential nut, doesn"t he?
GUNN: Just a little concerned. You don"t call. You don"t write.
What"s your angle? Last time we saw you, you were booking a one-way to the continent.
SPIKE: Change of plans. Change of heart. Changed me mind, mates.
WESLEY: Sounds like you"ve been busy.
We"re getting reports of a vigilante who matches your description.
SPIKE: Yes...that"s what you people do, isn"t it? You get reports. And you sign checks. You read memos.
Here"s to the corporate teat. How"d you find me?
GUNN: Wasn"t too hard. Put a couple of our psychics on it this afternoon.
WESLEY: One of the advantages of the corporate teat.
SPIKE: What can I do for you? Need me to help you collate something?
WESLEY: From what we hear... you"re fighting the good fight these days.
GUNN: We figure that"s our territory.
SPIKE: Is that what this is about? You"re hurt "cause I stepped on your toesies?
GUNN: Not at all. We"re wondering why you left in the first place.
WESLEY: If you want to save the world, we"ve got the resources to help you do it.
SPIKE: No offense, Mr. Vader, but I"ve got no itch to join the evil empire.
GUNN: It"s different. You know it. We"ve changed things.
I told Angel, and I"ll tell you. A place like that doesn"t change... not from the inside. Not from the out. You sign on there, it changes you. Puts things in your head. Spins your compass needle around till you can"t cross the street without tripping the proverbial old lady and stepping on her glasses. And it"s not like I wasn"t there, gents, like I wasn"t watching you. Had to haunt the damn place. Remember?
GUNN: Things aren"t that cut-and-dried, Spike. We"re making a difference. We"re just... playing by a new set of rules.
SPIKE: So what? You want me to... put on a suit, come play with you?
WESLEY: Something like that.
SPIKE: I can"t believe Angel would sign off on that. Unless... he doesn"t know you"re here, does he?
Hedging our bets, are we, boys?
GUNN: That"s not how it is.
SPIKE: And the compass needle keeps spinning. And the world gets murkier and murkier.
DOYLE: They don"t have a clue what"s happening, do they?
Hey...come on, babe.
Focus. Are you sure team Angel hasn"t been checking up on him?
EVE: Told you. They"re busy working on some relic that"s got the senior partners in a huff.
So we gonna do this, or what?
EVE: Fine. Let"s talk more. How"s our blond crusader? He buying into it?
DOYLE: So far. I mean, he hasn"t sewn a big red "S" on his chest yet, but he"s gettin" there.
We keep building him up, and we tear Angel down. Pretty soon the senior partners are gonna start thinking they"re backing the wrong horse.
EVE: Unless once they find out we"re fixing the race.
That happens, I"m good as dead.
EVE: Relax, baby. They"ll never know it"s you. Not while you have these pretty pictures.
DOYLE: These aren"t for playing.
They"re the only thing keeping me off Wolfram & Hart"s radar.
EVE: Doesn"t mean I can"t think they"re sexy.
DOYLE: Well, you can think whatever you want after we finish our project.
EVE: That mean you"re gonna give me what I want? Or are we gonna keep up the teasing all day?
DOYLE: Good girls always get what they want.
EVE: Oh... this is gonna be fun.
FRED: Oh! Hey! Did you talk to Spike?
WESLEY: We did.
FRED: What"d he say?
GUNN: Oh, you know...stuff.
FRED: Like what?
WESLEY: Apparently we"re not good enough for him.
GUNN: Thinks we sold out.
FRED: We didn"t sell out. We"re changing the system from the inside.
GUNN: You know, when you say it out loud, it sounds really naive.
FRED: Well, shouldn"t we tell Angel about this?
GUNN: Tell him what? That Spike"s hung out his shingle and is open for business in Angel"s town? I don"t think he needs to hear it right now.
FRED: It"s not like we need to protect him. I mean, has anyone even heard from him today?
Hey, Harmony, um... any word from Angel?
HARMONY: Oh. Haven"t heard a peep.
FRED: Maybe we should call him, check in?
HARMONY: Act like we care? Good plan!
LORNE: Oh, round these parts, folks call me Honky-Tonk.
HARMONY: I just got his voice mail! You wanna leave a message?
FRED: No, I think I"ll check in.
EVE: Any luck with those tests?
EVE: The stone, yea big, lots of carving. Answers to the name of relic.
FRED: Yeah, I"m on it.
EVE: Good. "Cause I"m getting a lot of heat on this. And when I say heat, I mean actual flames under my feet. The senior partners are a tad impatient.
FRED: Oh! Y-you want me to...
EVE: Now would be good.
EVE: Unless you"ve got something important...
FRED: No. I was just gonna...
It can wait.
LORNE: Hey, why so down in the dumpster, partner? You look like you just had to put down your last puppy.
ANGEL: I think... I think I"m lost.
LORNE: Order a drink!
ANGEL: Everything hurts.
LORNE: Now you"re gettin" it. Everything hurts, and then we die. Or in your case, everything hurts and...
then you go on...
ANGEL: I don"t know what to do.
LORNE: Why don"t you give me an earful of them pretty pipes of yours? Let me suss it out.
Well, sing out, Louise.
FRED: I told you he was empty.
WESLEY: Yes, but this is ridiculous!
We paid good money for this.
We paid blood for this.
LORNE: Crowd"s turning on ya, sport.
EVE: You poor thing. You"re really suffering, aren"t you?
LORNE: You still got that thing on your shirt?
EVE: Wow. You killed junior.
EVE: I"m not here, Angel. You"re dreaming. But don"t worry. The dream"s almost over.
a 6-pack of "Brockman" beer
DOYLE: See you found the market.
SPIKE: Thought this was a single. Didn"t know I was gonna have a bloody roommate.
DOYLE: Just checkin" in. Keeping tabs.
It"s kinda what I do.
SPIKE: Yeah, well, I don"t need a baby-sitter, so, um, bugger off.
DOYLE: You this prickly with all your friends?
SPIKE: I"m soft on the inside.
DOYLE: Spike... things would-
Things would go a lot smoother if you-
SPIKE: Oh, bloody hell. What was that about?
DOYLE: I just had another vision.
SPIKE: Oh, great. Look, don"t expect me to jump every time you"ve got one of these vision thingies.
DOYLE: Oh, no. I think you"re gonna want to jump on this one.
FRED: This is really nice.
WESLEY: You can stay as long as you like. Stay forever.
ANGEL: No...there"s so much work to do.
GUNN: It"s fine. We got it covered.
ANGEL: But I"m not supposed to be here.
LORNE: No fighting, Angel heart. Time to let freedom ring. Let yourself go.
ANGEL: But I"m not finished.
WESLEY: You are if you want to be.
FRED: It"ll be fine. Great, actually. All you have to do is stop caring. Just-
SPIKE: That"ll be a bitch of a clean-up.
SPIKE: No need to thank me. Just helping the helpless.
WESLEY: It was a Selminth parasite. Its teeth inject an anesthetic, making the host oblivious to its presence. You"d never know you had it on you.
Pumps neurotoxins into the body causing paralysis, hallucinations, fever dreams.
ANGEL: It seemed...real. All of it.
You were dissecting me, taking things out of me, and there was this...bear.
You called yourself Honky-Tonk, tried to get me to sing, but...
You were big with the heckling.
FRED: So, if this parasite continued pumping its toxins into Angel...
WESLEY: He would have been stuck in a permanent vegetative state.
LORNE: Well, good thing Spike swooped in and saved the day. How did he even know you were in trouble?
ANGEL: Didn"t say.
GUNN: What I want to know is how that thing even got in here in the first place.
FRED: We"re checking the firm"s storage facilities. It"s possible that a specimen escaped or-
ANGEL: You. You brought it.
ANGEL: You were here.
EVE: I had a cameo in your little dream sequence? That"s so sweet.
ANGEL: You put the big one on me after I killed the other one.
GUNN: The other one?
WESLEY: Angel, there was only one.
WESLEY: Maybe you were confusing reality with your hallucinations?
ANGEL: Uh-uh. Changed your clothes.
EVE: Yeah. I do that sometimes... after a long day.
ANGEL: But you didn"t change your earrings. You were wearing those in my hallucination... except... I haven"t seen you for days.
EVE: I"ve worn them before. Hey, I can"t be held responsible for how you dress me in your fantasies.
FRED: You did change your clothes, Eve, and I"ve never seen those earrings before today.
EVE: What is it exactly you think I-
ANGEL: Don"t know, Eve. But I"m pretty sure the senior partners didn"t give me the reins to their law firm just to turn me into a vegetable. Playing your own game here? What do you think the partners"ll do to you after they find out about your little extracurricular activities?
EVE: So things aren"t going your way, and you"re looking for someone outside your little circle to blame.
Here"s a thought. Maybe you should try looking inward...
unless you don"t like what you see.